Psychosynthesis: My Own Journey

There was a time, several years ago, when I was desperate. Everything in my life looked normal and perfect on the surface level, but underneath the surface, I was in a spiritual crisis. 

I was in crisis because since the age of 19 I’d had a strong, driving need to do my most meaningful work in the world, and I was living with the constant frustration of having no idea what that work was. I’d read countless self-help books. I’d explored numerous professional identities, both in school and in the workforce. I’d flung myself headlong and heartfelt into meaningful spiritual practices (Zen and Yoga). Yet no one thing was it for me. By the time I hit 30, I was so discouraged by my utter lack of clarity and purpose (despite all of my great efforts!), that I nearly lost my mind with the stress of it. It culminated in a 9 month stretch of intense depression, where I sat listlessly on the couch every day, not even interested in turning on a TV. (You heard it here first: lack of clarity and purpose can be completely debilitating!)

I had slowly climbed out of that depression, and, no longer 30, had managed to build a beautiful life out of the emotional ashes: I had a career that brought me joy, was still happily married, and even had a healthy, growing family. Yet, as meaningful as so much of my life had become, that deep longing for my unique calling was still there, and I still felt, at times, utterly hollow: like I was going through the motions of my life, with some integral part of my Soul set aside, collecting dust on a shelf. I was about to conceive my second child, and I was haunted with the thought that I could easily blink, absorbed in this lovely role of being Mother, and find that another 20 years had gone by without my being any closer to knowing this particular part of myself, this deeply important aspect of the work I had come here to do.  I felt a growing urgency, once again. I was truly at my wits’ end.

Then I remembered something a friend had shared with me. She had handed me a flier, and wondered if I would be interested in a training program she had taken. It was for spiritually-oriented psychology modality called Psychosynthesis. 

The name Psychosynthesis puzzled me, but it appeared to offer something very unusual and unique: a secular framework for exploring my most deeply spiritual Self. The flier invited me to know myself, to find my purpose, to realize and respond to my inner Call. My heart leapt with an inner "Yes!" at the time, but the training was only offered every other year, and it didn't occur to me to seek out Psychosynthesis coaching in the meantime! so I found myself in limbo.  Now, with this feeling of growing desperation to respond to this unknown part of myself which was aching to be seen, I was beyond ready. I began counting down the days!

I took that training, and it was everything I needed it to be. It changed my life. It did so by offering me a space for a particular kind of reflection ("What do you REALLY want?..."), and a safe space to be witnessed and affirmed as I sought my own answers. It brought that neglected and dusty part of my soul, out into the light, that it could be seen and validated. It brought me something sacred: Me.

In my first meeting with my teacher (which I could also describe as my first Psychosynthesis coaching session), she gave me some powerful insight from the Psychosynthesis vantage point. I’d been beating myself up about not being able to find and stick to a single passion, and instead of helping me to decide between them, or to dismiss them all in favor of this new one, as I expected her to, she showed me that each of my passions was real and true in its own right and that they were not so unrelated as they seemed to me to be. She pointed out that each of these interests had precisely one thing in common: Me. They were all representative of qualities that I genuinely valued and felt drawn toward, and they all served me in allowing me a sense of connection to those qualities within myself. Together they reflected aspects of the greater me that I now think of as my higher Self. I realized, with relief, that I had already been doing my Work, just by responding to each of these passions—and that this was no small thing. I felt relieved and immensely grateful. 

That feeling of relief and immense gratitude was one I came to know well, as I continued the work. It brought me increasingly more clarity and perspective, greater ease in my life, and a physical experience of feeling more relaxed and at ease in my body. 

It also—blessedly!—gave me my long-sought sense of Purpose! For, Psychosynthesis is precisely that thing which feels big enough, and meaningful enough to me, to call my Work: I am now a practicing Psychosynthesis-trained counselor, coach, and teacher. Through this framework, I have the great privilege of helping people to navigate their own unique path toward Self realization and actualization. 

The training program, the one I took, the one that changed everything for me, still exists and is still changing lives. Like my friend who handed me that flier, I'd like to pass it along, to those of you who may be interested. The live, BCC accredited coach training program in New England is at the Synthesis Northeast institute, and other offerings and resources, including remote trainings, are still being offered through the Synthesis Center. While I have been focussing my own training efforts within the Psychosynthesis graduate community this year, I expect to have offerings for the untrained public going forward. If you’d like to hear of them, you can add your name to my email list, here.

I sometimes wonder how that challenging time in my life would have gone, had someone shown me early on the value and importance of taking the time, not just for inner reflection (which I did plenty of), but for the sort of held reflection that such a training or coaching relationship offers. These parts of ourselves that we are still discovering in our adulthood are precisely the parts of ourselves that our parents and our culture have difficulty witnessing and supporting for us. Where can we go to experience support, permission and celebration of our spiritual growth? Where can we go to nurture the tender bud of our longing, as it seeks to bloom us into the person that only we can know ourselves to be? 

That answer is unique to each of us of course, but my office, and a good Psychosynthesis training program are two powerful places to start.  🌹

Bright Blessings to you on your own journey, wherever it calls you,

How I Nipped an Anxiety Attack in the Bud; and 3 practical strategies for ongoing Inner Peace

In Zen there is an adage that says do one thing at a time. Finish what you are doing before starting the next thing.  I learned the true power of this, once, during a particularly stressful time, when I found myself operating from a place of fear and worry, unlike anything I had known before.  

On this occasion, I found myself jumping from one worrisome thought to another, before any single thought could be adequately processed by my mind-body system. Each new thought would ramp up the tension in my body, and, instead of taking the time to slow down and feel it, and allow that tension a natural release, I found myself spinning off into the next worrisome thought before the first one was even truly complete. 

This destructive thought pattern had all of my intuitive health alarms going off. Stacking tension, on top of tension, on top of tension, I knew this pattern could cause me serious harm if I allowed it to continue.

Thankfully, interrupting the cycle was actually quite straight forward. It involved slowing down, enough to allow the feelings and physical sensations that were in my body, at that moment, to be recognized consciously, and given the space needed to settle.  By focusing on the physical sensations, I focused on the Reality, the REAL Reality, not the story of Reality, of the moment. Naming items in the room out loud can also help ground the thinking mind, enabling one to go into the completion of this cycle of stress.

The technique I used to complete the cycle of stress that worrisome thoughts had brought about, is based in yoga, is also validated by modern understanding of the nervous system, which we know takes time to deactivate, whether it's been ramped up by exercise, or by thought patterns.  It wasn't hard, and who among us can't use another tool for an emotional and spiritual reset during a time of stress? 

If you've ever taken a yoga class, you'll have done this technique at the end of class. It's called Shavasana, where we "take rest." Done with intention, and a focus on Being-ness, it can heal on every level. Here's how to do it:

Lay down in a dim, quiet place, with your  legs relaxed opened in a narrow V shape, and your arms parallel to your legs, palms up. Bring your shoulders up to your ears, back toward the floor, then "lock" them down. (This drawing of the shoulders back and down will introduce a protective arch into the lower back, to allow one to comfortably extend the legs.)  Feel the support of the floor, and let your body begin to sink into that support. Notice the sensations in your body. Allow them to just be what they are.  Breath deeply, allowing the belly to rise and fall.  Again, feel the support of the floor and earth beneath you, and continue to relax into its receiving support. Stay here for ten minutes, or until you feel rested.  

Note: if focusing on the body's sensations like breathing activates further stress for you, try focusing on a mantra--affirming words--with each breath. For example, breathing in say the words your most loving ideal parent would tell you; tell them to yourself. "I am safe. I am good." Breath this in for a few breaths, then sigh "Ahhhhhh" breathing out. Eventually, breathing out, say the words that you, as your Highest Self, know to be true going forward. "I trust in Love." "I am the change." Whatever is meaningful and resonant for you.  


Here are the things I rely on the most to stay centered and peaceful every day.

1) A daily physical practice.  This is a baseline that I always return to.

Creating a daily yoga practice, in particular, could be its own post, and if you're interested in my writing that, let me know. For now, suffice it to say, yoga asanas have a particular magic to them. A physical practice teaches the body a direct knowing that words cannot, and yoga asanas, put simply, teach one to embody inner peace.

My recent Aikido practice has also been deeply instructional for me, as it is rich with lessons on maintaining a sense of connection between two people. The practice is one of embodied connection, even during conflict, and the spiritual root of that martial art is quite solid, at least in my dojo. Good stuff!

2)  Nadi Shodhana, alternate nostril breathing, is a pranayama (breathing) technique in yoga, which works exactly as its name implies: Nadis are the channels of flowing energy in the body, just like the meridians of acupressure, and Shodhana means "cleansing." So this breath literally  calms and cleanses the whole nervous system. For me this feels like re- booting my brain and recalibrating it to my spirit. All the mental whirlpools that my mind gets caught in get reset, and suddenly things make sense again; I can think clearly. I find Nadi Shodhana easy and fun, and on a hectic day I've been known to do it sitting in the car for a reset.

For additional stress relief, try teaching Nadi Shodhana to your four year old, who will entertain you with variations like sticking his fingers up his nose. Or even better, blowing out so hard you have to dodge flying boogers. (Unless you're a germaphobe; then maybe skip that one. ;)

3) Pressing on accupressure points known to release anxiety, depression, and stress. Check out this illustrated article on the topic, and see which points work for you. I've personally been loving the ear point Shen Men. It's so easy, and it seriously helps! At least it does for me!


"Torture and Reward"

My husband Sheldon, an accomplished man in both business and life, has the best work ethic of anyone I've ever met.  What's his secret? He has a self imposed work system which he (tongue in cheek) refers to as "torture and reward."

Truth be told, he has a greater willingness for hard work and delayed gratification (the "torture" phase) than most people. And that in itself could be its own article and is well worth some deep contemplation.  He's also unwilling to endure torture if there is no sufficient reward in sight. This is the reason he quit the hourly wage work force early on, and started working for himself as soon as he could figure out a path to do so. These are both great things to contemplate, but may not be for everybody.

But there is a universal piece, one that any of us can benefit from, which is this.  Sheldon understands and consistently applies these 6 golden rules of how to use rewards. These are:

  1. Don't enjoy the reward too early
  2. Time big rewards strategically
  3. Do enjoy rewards!
  4. Break Big jobs into smaller goals/milestones/accomplishments
  5. There's a time and a place for everything
  6. Use positive self talk (all the time) 

Don't enjoy the reward too early, means, you don't kick back and take a break first thing in the morning before you've gotten anything done.   It means you apply yourself, you do the work, and then you enjoy an (appropriately scaled) reward. 

It also means you look at the rewards you would like to have in your life, including--actually, especially!--whatever you might already be thinking to do for yourself, and you consider timing them strategically to increase your motivation. For instance, consider saving the expensive purchase of that Nice New Thing you're thinking to buy, for after the successful completion of the thing you are working on, or some milestone point.

Breaking up your big jobs into smaller, manageable chunks is another basic and foundational motivation piece. It makes huge jobs seem more approachable, once they've been broken down into manageable pieces, and, what's more, each of these milestones can, and should, be celebrated! The more accomplishments you make a point to identify and congratulate yourself for, the more you are naturally motivating yourself.

What would it look like to map out some upcoming rewards for yourself around your accomplishments? What could you give yourself, and when would you give it?  See if you can identify three goals, one of which you intend to accomplish within about a month's time, and three ways to celebrate each of these. 

Routine accomplishments can also be played with, and can become a bit of a game.  I used to watch a certain TV show only when I was working out on the elliptical machine. If I wanted to see the next episode, I had to get on the machine!  Here's another one: Sheldon is in the habit of unloading the dishwasher in the morning, while the water for his coffee comes to a boil. It's a fast job, it fills the time he'd just be twiddling his thumbs, and he gets to check off an accomplishment before he's even sat down to his coffee.

Do enjoy rewards!, means that, at the end of the day, you take an hour or two to read or do something else you enjoy, in a clean and intentional atmosphere (maybe light some candles, put on some music to enhance your enjoyment). Or whatever floats your boat!  It means at the end of the week, you take a day to devote to something you enjoy--a reward for your hard work of the week. 

If you find yourself working into the wee hours of the night, every night, without a rest, you are missing the reward of your day's work, and your motivation will suffer.  Ditto the end of the week.

Taking stock of and celebrating what you have accomplished-- at the end of the day, at the end of the week, and before a vacation period-- is an important and necessary reward. Resting and enjoying your accomplishment is really how we bring the accomplishment to completion. If we are skipping this, then we are not actually completing the accomplishment. Praise where praise is due--for yourself, for others--and taking a well earned rest (appropriately portioned for the phase of work) goes a long way toward absorbing a reward properly, and, by doing so, preparing yourself to enter the next phase of work.  

The more you start to look at phases of work and rest as a rhythm and a system, the more you realize that, indeed, there's a time and a place for everything.  Hard work in the morning, break for lunch, maybe even a short siesta if you need it to make the most of the afternoon; another cycle of work, ending with rest and enjoyment in the evening.  Working in complete cycles like this, you can get more than one cycle of hard work out of yourself in the day.

Which time of the day will you rest and enjoy? Which day of the week? Which week, or two!, of each season will be devoted to enjoyment and rejuvenating? Plan to pay yourself not just with monetary rewards, but the rewards of healthy rhythms, and a life well lived. 

Positive self talk. Last but not least, this is a constantly available and accessible reward that you can apply liberally, with yourself and others. It's one reward that you can give as early and as often as you like, so it doesn't follow the other rules, except for the Do Enjoy It rule.

Beginning your week having fully appreciated all you did the previous week, you are well set up to feel good about what you will be able to accomplish this coming week.  "I sure did a lot last week! (Nix the critical voice that will insist you could have done more.)  I did this, and that, and that. Good job, me!" It's easy to go from that, to "I can do anything I put my mind to this week. What do I want to accomplish?"  Follow a job with credit where credit is due, even for the small things. "I did that thing I said I would do this morning!!" And if you have a supportive ear, go ahead and support each other with good listening and appreciation. Telling each other about your accomplishments, however humble, and praising each other's efforts, is a magic formula for a great work environment that stays motivating for all.  

While positive self talk sounds rather obvious, many people find it actually quite hard to do, and I can relate. My own social programming was to be modest, to the degree that I used to tease Sheldon for what seemed to me to be exaggerated bragging about the smallest accomplishments. But after twenty years in relationship, I cannot deny that what he does, works!  He knows how to motivate himself! And more and more, I am taking a page out of his motivation book.

By incorporating positive self talk, well timed rest, enjoyment, and strategic rewards, I find I have a much easier time motivating myself, enjoying my accomplishments, and getting myself psyched and feeling confident to take on the next thing. Try them, and let me know how they work!